BLACKSCREEN – MUSIC FADES IN – INT – NIGHT: OUR PROTAGONIST SITS AT HIS DESK, DRINKING HIS SORROWS AWAY. HE STARES AT AN ENVELOPE THAT SAYS “LATE ALIMONY, MUST PAY”. HE IS MID 30’S AND IS WEARING A CRUMPLED SHIRT AND TIE WITH A LARGE BROWN MOLE ON HIS NECK. HIS HAIR IS SCRUFFY AND HE LOOKS LIKE HELL. IT IS CLEAR THAT HE HASN’T WASHED. HE SIPS AT HIS WHISKEY. THE PHONE RINGS. HE ANSWERS IT:
HARVEY:
HELLO, THIS IS GORDON HARVEY, WORLD'S WORST PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.
A MAN WITH A DEEP VOICE RESPONDS, HE’S VOICE SOUNDS LIKE OLD MONEY;
MOB BOSS
HELLO MR HARVEY, I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.
HARVEY PAUSES AND THINKS TO HIMSELF. HE LOOKS DOWN ON HIS DESK AND SEES THE DREADED ALIMONY ENVELOPE. OVERCOME WITH DESPERATION, HE ANSWERS BACK.
HARVEY:
I’M IN. WHAT YOU GOT?
FADE TO ACTORS NAMES:
MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY – INT – NIGHT: HARVEY WALKS INTO THE MOB BOSSES’ CRIB. HE TAKES A SEAT AT HIS DESK, BUT FALLS OFF OF THE CHAIR. HE GETS UP AND SITS BACK AT THE DESK. MEANWHILE, THE MOB BOSS IS SMOKING A CIGAR WITH HIS HENCHMEN STANDING MENACINGLY BEHIND HIM. HE PUTS IT DOWN AND STARTS TO SPEAK:
MOB BOSS:
MR HARVEY, IS IT? ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF; MY NAME IS ANTONIO BRACCO BUT YOU MAY CALL ME BIG TONY INSTEAD. THESE ARE MY LOYAL ENFORCERS; ROBERTO AND MARCO. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A CIGAR? A DRINK PERHAPS?
HARVEY:
A DRINK WOULD BE NICE THANK YOU. I’LL HAVE A GRASSHOPPER.
ANTONIO LOOKS BEHIND AT HIS TWO HENCHMEN. ONE OF THEM BENDS DOWN AND WHISPERS INTO HIS EAR.
MARCO:
YOU WANT ME TO CLAMP ‘IM BOSS?
ANTONIO:
DON’T WORRY MARCO, YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANCE.
ANTONIO TURNS BACK TO FACE HARVEY. THEIR EYES MEET.
ANTONIO (V.O.):
LISTEN HARVEY, I’LL MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE. ONE OF MY GUYS IS MAKING THE MISTAKE OF STEALING FROM ME. I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW HIM AND GET ME SOME DIRT ON THIS SON OF A BITCH.
FADE TO:
MONTAGE OF HARVEY TAILING THE PERSON IN QUESTION, WHO IS UNAWARE THAT HE IS BEING FOLLOWED. HARVEY, MEANWHILE, IS DUCKING BEHIND BUSHES, HIDING BEHIND NEWSPAPERS AND DOING COMMANDO ROLLS. HE IS CLEARLY INEPT.
FADE TO:
BACK TO THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN HARVEY AND ANTONIO.
ANTONIO:
I’LL GIVE YOU HALF THE CASH NOW AND THE OTHER HALF ONCE YOU BRING ME
THE EVIDENCE. HOWEVER, HE IS NOT TO BE HARMED IN ANY WAY. I SHALL HANDLE THAT MYSELF. DO WE HAVE A DEAL?
CAMERA CUTS TO HARVEY AS HE THINKS ABOUT ANTONIO’S PROPOSAL. HE REPLIES;
HARVEY:
YEAH, WE GOT A DEAL.
HARVEY AND ANTONIO GET UP AND ANTONIO OFFERS HIS HAND. HARVEY, BEING AS INEPT AS HE IS, TAKES ANTONIO’S HAND AND TRIES TO KISS IT. ANTONIO PULLS IT AWAY.
ANTONIO:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HARVEY:
OH – I – I THOUGHT…
ANTONIO:
WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG. THIS ISN’T THE GODFATHER.
HARVEY WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR AND ROBERTO LETS HIM OUT. AS HE SHUTS THE DOOR, MARCO TURNS TO ANTONIO AND SAYS;
MARCO:
YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT TO KILL ‘IM RIGHT?
ANTONIO:
YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW THAT YOU FOOL. DON’T FORGET WHO YOU WORK FOR.
MARCO:
OH – I – I WON’T SIR.
FADE TO TITLES:
